The Big Cactus seeks Desert Flower

What with Shaq being in the midst of a divorce and all of a sudden being traded across the country, I can’t imagine he isn’t looking for some companionship of the female kind. But let’s face it; he’s got to be picky and careful so I imagined what his personals ad might look like. See what you think:

Great looking and almost divorced father of many (but with the resources to have them taken care of) is seeking a lovely lady for a human hulk of a man that truly is full of burning love. Currently employed by a professional basketball team in the Valley of the Sun, I have also lived and worked in Orlando, Los Angeles and Miami. I am the proud owner of a college degree from LSU but never use a lick of it while working. The lady I am seeking should be gorgeous, feminine, and flexible about traveling 8-9 months a year or staying put and having me fly around alone. She should be in great shape, willing to have me dictate how she appears in public, pick her fashion stylist, hair and make-up artists and generally make all such decisions for her. I love to play with kids so if she has any, just add them to my entourage. I have been called a big kid so I don’t fake it when I love spending time with them. Although I am child like in my play time, I am fiercely competitive in all other areas of my life. I must have the best and biggest collection of everything: cars, sports memorabilia, music and movie collections and homes. Any lady brave enough to respond will be lavished with sharing all my toys and in my success, but must expect to sign a contract that she can’t actually own any of it unless the relationship ends up becoming serious. Serious to me is someone who can understand all my needs, make sure my attitude and ego are always soothed, deal with publicity that might not be flattering, and understand that my weight fluctuates based on my moods. In that way I think any lady should find it easy to understand: I’m an emotional eater and frankly hate to work out. That doesn’t mean I like or will accept the same behavior in a romantic partner. Being on the arm of someone like me means that there can never be one photo that would make the front page of Us Weekly with a visible panty line, a pinch of flesh around the waist, a less than ample bosom or a face that is not professionally sculpted. She must understand my need to have many friends around at all times, be able to deal with a very angry soon to be ex-wife, bad publicity from my time with other organizations and last but not least my choice for a profession after I am done with this one. I want to be a law enforcement officer if I can get a custom made uniform to fit my frame. If you are afraid of guns please don’t apply. Recent photos, full background check, including credit status will be necessary. But let’s see where it goes after you pass the approval test. I know I can make you happy….if you do the same for me.

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